Seasons Change

I have heard it said before that you must lose yourself before you can find yourself. I realized the true meaning of that saying when I attended college last Fall. I have always felt a bit out of place among my peers, never quite fitting nicely into any specific group. I was frustrated like a small child trying to fit the circle peg into the square hole. The thought of attending college gave me hope that I would finally fit in the square shaped hole. However, when I was finally immersed in my new life, I realized I still hadn’t found where I belonged. I tried so hard to make it work and in the process, I lost myself. It was gradual, like a tree slowly losing all of its leaves in the fall, only to be left barren for the winter. Everything changed as I ascended into a downward spiral. I pushed away the people I cared most about, thinking that they were better off without me pulling them into my darkness. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I was barely keeping up with my school work. One day I woke up and I knew that whoever I had been was lost to me, I had become someone to be talked about in hushed tones and to be looked at sympathetically. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and alone, I wanted to be full of life and youth. I had lost myself between the beautiful orange leaves and the frost covered branches and all I wanted more than anything was to get back to who I had been under the sun of summer. That was when I realized I needed to pick my pieces up off the floor and glue them back together. I knew that in the process I still may get cut handling the sharp edges, but I also knew that those cuts would heal. My life began to change as I gained a new prospective, a perspective that showed me the beauty of life. Every moment is precious, my whole entire world could change in an instant, the time it takes to snap your fingers or wink at someone. I didn’t want any more regrets weighing me down, prematurely drowning me in the sea of my thoughts. In order to purge my life of all the negative I knew I would have to leave my college to pursue a positive environment. I am excited about the prospect of finding somewhere where I will truly feel comfortable and able to work on my  personal and intellectual growth. 

Self-love activity of the day:

Today, I wrote on my mirrors in my bathroom. Too many times I have walked in there only to critique my face and body. Now when I walk in there, hopefully I will remember that I am beautiful, no matter what I may otherwise think that day. I wonder if this will look odd to an outside viewer? Ahh, who cares, I am already weird ;)

Just a Question

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"


The question asked more times than necessary during my childhood and adolescent years. When I was a kid I wanted to be an actress or a vet, but now that I actually have "grown up",  I have little to no idea what my future entails. It seems like a funny question to ask because it implies what profession a person wants to have when they get older, but it is not explicitly stated. Instead, it is an open ended question that is almost always answered with what job a child would like to have. I love this quote by John Lennon, "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life". It rings true to me on many levels, because my desire to be happy is one of my top priorities. I want my profession to be a source of great happiness and fulfillment in my life, not a meaningless activity that I do solely to pay the bills. I don't want to dread every day that I go to work, I want to find purpose and joy in my job. However, I know I may need to work some jobs that may not necessarily be the most meaningful to me in order to get to my ultimate goal. These days, I am often plagued by the uncertainty of my future, since I am still trying to figure out what I want in life. Sometimes, I think I may know what I want, other days I think I am settling for something that is easier than analyzing the depths of my inner self. What I do know is that I want to help people in the best way I can. Some days it almost feels tangible, this deep urge and need to help others less fortunate. It seems almost primal to me, an intrinsic piece to the puzzle of my soul. If only I could figure out how that piece fits into my crazy and beautiful life.


Self-love activity of the day:
Today, I did my makeup really cute and I think it suited my eyes well. I know it isn't much, but even the smallest activities can brighten a day!

Remembering

Sometimes, I forget how truly precious life really is. My whole existence could be shattered in a day, an hour, a few minutes. Every once in a while I am reminded of this grim reality, usually when something terrible occurs. This time, it was the death of a young writer who died five days after her graduation from Yale. What is even more haunting about this particularly tragic incident is the article she had written previously for a special edition of the Yale Daily News. It spoke of a hopeful and terrifying future, but what struck me the most was her emphasis on how young people can still do whatever they want and how their lives are filled with many opportunities. It was almost too much to bear to read the article and know that the author had passed away, the same author who had said young people still have so much to look foreword to in their future. I started to feel physically sick after I finished reading the piece, I just don't understand how someone so talented and loved could be gone so early in life. However, what I do understand is that life is very short and I can't always count having a later date. I need to live now, in this moment, with every breath I take in and let out. I need to be mindful of who I am and who I want to be, so that I can live each moment completely, with few regrets. My heart and condolences go out to this beautiful young woman's family. Rest in peace, Marina Keegan.