Seasons Change

I have heard it said before that you must lose yourself before you can find yourself. I realized the true meaning of that saying when I attended college last Fall. I have always felt a bit out of place among my peers, never quite fitting nicely into any specific group. I was frustrated like a small child trying to fit the circle peg into the square hole. The thought of attending college gave me hope that I would finally fit in the square shaped hole. However, when I was finally immersed in my new life, I realized I still hadn’t found where I belonged. I tried so hard to make it work and in the process, I lost myself. It was gradual, like a tree slowly losing all of its leaves in the fall, only to be left barren for the winter. Everything changed as I ascended into a downward spiral. I pushed away the people I cared most about, thinking that they were better off without me pulling them into my darkness. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I was barely keeping up with my school work. One day I woke up and I knew that whoever I had been was lost to me, I had become someone to be talked about in hushed tones and to be looked at sympathetically. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and alone, I wanted to be full of life and youth. I had lost myself between the beautiful orange leaves and the frost covered branches and all I wanted more than anything was to get back to who I had been under the sun of summer. That was when I realized I needed to pick my pieces up off the floor and glue them back together. I knew that in the process I still may get cut handling the sharp edges, but I also knew that those cuts would heal. My life began to change as I gained a new prospective, a perspective that showed me the beauty of life. Every moment is precious, my whole entire world could change in an instant, the time it takes to snap your fingers or wink at someone. I didn’t want any more regrets weighing me down, prematurely drowning me in the sea of my thoughts. In order to purge my life of all the negative I knew I would have to leave my college to pursue a positive environment. I am excited about the prospect of finding somewhere where I will truly feel comfortable and able to work on my  personal and intellectual growth. 

Self-love activity of the day:

Today, I wrote on my mirrors in my bathroom. Too many times I have walked in there only to critique my face and body. Now when I walk in there, hopefully I will remember that I am beautiful, no matter what I may otherwise think that day. I wonder if this will look odd to an outside viewer? Ahh, who cares, I am already weird ;)